The things people of the world say and do amaze me. I voice these issues to you because of the relationship we have, World. Yes, it’s a love/hate type but you listen and that’s all that matters.

Dear World,

Some of your people amaze me. I would like it if you could explain the reason they are so superficial and conceited. They drive me nuts with all their complaining about frivolous matters. Like, shut the hell up already! Their issues range from the latest gossip about persons lives to the expressions of displeasure with their body image. From the constant boastful behaviour as it relates to the brand of clothing they wear or the type of technology that they use to the complaints of not having “better” clothing – whatever the hell that means- or the latest technology to use.  World, you can call me envious and jealous all you want. I believe that persons should have some humility in their lifestyle, no matter how fortunate they are. It’s never right to rub things in the faces of persons who are not as fortunate. That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it then suck my big toe.

Some of your people (usually ladies) are always looking in the mirror as if they feel something will change every few seconds.  Give it a break man. Suburbans do not like the people of the world who do nothing but be vain and are boastful. If you don’t show them that they are NOT gifts to humankind then I will. You better believe it. Tell your natives that the people of Suburbia do not wish to hear about any matters from their fickle minds; really and truly. I can’t stand them. Yes, I understand that they are your natives but I don’t understand how you do it. How do you do it?! You love them that much? More power to you, World.

Some of your people amaze me. They know nothing about physical personal space and the etiquette that comes with the territory. (Suburban folks know though!)  The only persons allowed to step within my physical personal space are my close family and my friends.  My family is big enough and though I have few friends from Suburbia and from you, I am content. I don’t need to add any other person. So they need to back up out of my physical personal space.

• If I go to church, all these people I do not know want to hug me and touch my cheeks and chin and play in my hair. NO! damn it! I have no idea where their hands were, no clue. Back up already! 
• If I take route taxis, the “loader men” are all in my face trying to touch me to get me to take the taxis that they work with. Get away!
• If I’m in line for anything (most times at the bank or to take a bus), every step that I take forward I feel someone breathing down my neck or I feel their body touching mine. Get back! That’s too close.
• Estranged family members (I’m talking about many years apart & folks that I do not know or have no recollection of); as soon as they see me they say, “Oh lawd shi look jus like her fada/modda eeeh!” and then comes the closest, tightest “can’t move your face or hands, blocking off air supply hug” type of hug. In times like these I am forced to be nice because they’re family. Hiss teeth. I literally die inside thinking about how soon I can break free.

The list could go on and on. I cringe inside and out when my space gets violated. Instant panic attack! I see you laughing, World. This is serious though. So please stop. Empathize with me here. I hope you know that Suburban folks know better than to do that. They follow the etiquette of physical personal space. Teach your people! They can follow this diagram. Show it to them, World. .

Your males amaze me. World, why is it that upon being introduced to one of your native gentlemen (whether old or young) and hand shakes occur they NEVER WANT TO LET GO?  I truly cannot fathom why our hands should be interlocked for more than 5 seconds.  Let my hand go! I try to be nice and smile then try to break free. To my surprise, I am never able to budge at the first go. So I continue smiling and engage in the handshake gesture but with more force. At the end of the second attempt of breaking free, nothing happens. Mind you, while I try to break free he’s chatting away about things that may or may not concern me but at that point in time it all gets blocked out as my primary concern is to have him let go  of my hand. All the germs from his hair (if he has any) that he’s touched, the cough or sneeze he did (while no one was watching) into his hands, and the various dirty places he touched gets transferred onto me. The moment speaking ends is when they decide to let go. My poor hand. Instant cleanse!

Suburbans know when they’ve held on too long. 5 seconds and that’s it.

Teach your natives humility and personal space etiquette dear World. Teach them that 5 seconds worth of a handshake is more than enough. I beg you.

Thanks! Hugs and kisses.

Signed with love,

Candice K.