Dear World.

I nearly pooped my pants. Yes. A #2 almost happened in my blue denim.

What had happened was…

A few months ago – I had a meeting with an old friend. We hadn’t seen each other in over 6 years…maybe more. So I was pretty much excited about seeing him and reconnecting.

Relax.

We’ve always been friends and only friends. I know some of you have other thoughts in your head.

Okay. So that’s cleared up.

We agreed on a day, time and a location.

The day comes and I was feeling slightly ill. It was a mixture of feeling flu-ish and also what felt like a bit of food poisoning.

For breakfast, I had eaten some overnight junk food.

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The food wasn’t that good from the night before. So, I should’ve known this was gonna pose a problem. But I was hungry – so I ate.

You know, a little bit of that instant gratification.

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Anyways: I’m making my way to the meet up spot and I feel a rumble.

It was the tummy kind. Yes, I had the bubble guts, y’all. I had the urge to poop!

Stress level: 5/10.

Do you know the feeling when you have to find the bathroom as soon as possible or else you’ll become a stinky butt?

That’s the predicament I was in.

Oh, by the way, I was in a public bus. Not in the convenience of a private vehicle that could stop or go somewhere that would allow me to poop and then continue my journey.

Stress level: 8/10.

Delayed Poop

So there I was – seated in the bus with a cold sweat running down my forehead – my tummy doing sommersaults.

I was stressed the hell out.

Stress level: 9/10.

I wasn’t sure what to do.

So, what I did was – squeezed my big toes (My grandma and best friend always tell me to squeeze my big toe to delay a poop disaster) and clenched my butt cheeks.

That bit of relief didn’t last long and I was about 30 ish minutes from my destination.

I looked to my right and noticed I wad about to pass a food establishment – they should have a restroom – so I called for a bus stop. Upon disembarking, and with each step I made towards the restaurant I felt the poop drop closer to my denim.

I was in full panic mode.

Picture it.

I’m walking towards the entrance of the restaurant. Cheeks clenched. Big toes squeezed.

Okay. I walk in.

I put my most tempered and charmed voice on.

“Hi. *insert the million dollar smile*May I use your restroom? I’m not a customer, but I have an emergency and I might not make it.”

*insert nervous laughter*

At this point, I am washed all the way over with a cold sweat. It was evident.

Stress level: 12/10.

The manager looked me up and down as if scanning my intentions. Then I saw pity in his eyes – he signalled to the security guard to allow me access.

Bless gawd! I would’ve probably died if anything else happened. Haha.

The Wipe Down

I wasn’t in the clear yet.

I had to sanitise the space and make it feel close ish to home.

So…cheeks still clenched, I pulled out my wipes and hurriedly wiped down the toilet seat and then lined it with tissue.

I may have used a bit too much toilet tissue. But I wasn’t checking.

I wiped the door handle and then sprayed a little of the body mist I so happened to have in my purse. You know, to reduce a stench.

Whew!

Okay.

I sat on the freshly cleaned and lined public toilet seat and I offloaded.

I pooped! My pants were spared.

Relieved, I wiped the cold sweat away, too.

Bless gawd!

Stress level: 15/10. Even though I got to poop, I was carrying the germs of at least 20 strangers.

Lessons in Almost Pooped Pants

1. Life comes at you fast. You have to be flexible enough to find solutions to emerging problems. Just like clenched cheeks and squeezed big toes, you must be able to contract and relax accordingly. Relaxing in grave situations might not be the wisest decision and contracting at the right time can offer the ultimate relief.

Strike that balance.

2. Sometimes, putting a little charm in your presentation can literally get you what you need. You dont always have to be serious. Putting that charm in the voice and that sparkle in your eyes can help you to connect with the right people.

Once you master the art of connecting, the world can literally become your oyster.

Don’t take it for granted – the ability to connect.

3. Strangers are not that bad. They have a way of being gracious and showing kindness when you least expect it.

The restaurant manager could’ve easily turned me down. But it also helped that I was presentable. Glad I come from good stock.

Grateful, I am.

4. If you don’t ask for help, you’ll never know if you will receive it. The worst that can come from your request is a resounding “no”. You won’t die – even if you feel like you will.

5. Antibacterial wipes are an essential part of the contents in your bag. Go nowhere without it.

If I did not have my wipes, the internal battle to put my skin against an “unclean” public restroom probably would have caused me to poop my pants. Either that or i’d sacrifice my fear of strange germs for the relief of pooping.

6. Shit happens. You have to live your life in such a way that you are prepared for it but not always living in worry.

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So, what about you?

Ever pooped or almost pooped your pants?

How’d that go for you?

Signed with love,

The Suburban Girl