Dear, World.

How long has it been? “Too long!”, is what I’ll say if you ask me again. But it really has only been a couple of days.

I’ve been holding back on an experience I had in July (2013). My failure to share this with you at an earlier date is only based on the fact that I really had no idea how I would express the experience in a manner without having you cry real tears because you’d feel the pain I felt.

So, here goes.

On the night of July 28th, 2013, I was dead asleep in the fetal position after a long and hard day’s work of cleaning and doing laundry. I did a great job, by the way.

Anyways.

I was in the middle of a real good sleep when my eyes opened instantly. I felt something fall into my ear. And I jumped out of bed trying to knock this thing out. Frightened, doesn’t even begin to express how I felt knowing that this creature was obviously trying to make its way out my ear but it was going in the wrong direction as it apparently fell face down.

Retrospectively, what pissed me off is that I sort of semi removed most of the ear wax just the day before, so there wasn’t much holding the creature back from touching up my ear canal and eventually my ear drum.

It was my right ear…

My mom was the first one I ran to. I woke her out of her bed and she immediately got ready to take me to the hospital.

Side bar: if we had known how to handle the situation on our own, we’d just pour some olive oil in my ear and that would have handled it right then an there. But, we were ignorant to such useful information.

Now, if you know me like you’re supposed to, you’d know that I fear all hospitals but my greatest fear is having to be a patient at a public hospital. But guess what, the closest hospital to my sweet sweet Suburbia so happened to be a public hospital.

Just my luck.

In an effort to not totally spaz out, I started to laugh. Laughing and smiling is what I usually do before I either start crying or before I have a panic attack.

It took FOREVER before one of the doctors on call would even look at me. And they knew what my situation was. The freaking creature was alive and kicking in my ear. We had no idea what it was and for all we know it could’ve been poisonous. Again, I waited forever to be seen. Anyways, a doctor finally came to see. She looked in and saw a creature but couldn’t tell what it was. She walked away and came back saying they’re gonna remove it.

From here on out, let’s just call the doctor, “Dr. Buffoon”.

I stopped her and asked if she’s gonna remove it while its alive. Why the hell not drown it or something and then remove it? But Dr. Buffoon was apparently all about saving God’s creatures. No. To hell with that. What about me? What about my ear? Kill the bastard!

In the process of removing God’s creature from my ear, Dr. Buffoon wound up killing it. Please note that it was still in. It took a nurse, my mom and Dr. Buffoon to hold me still during that procedure. I don’t believe I’ve ever cried as much as I did that night. My mom said I scared her and she’s seen all sides of me.

Oh yeah, and I was bleeding from my ear. Dr. Buffoon cut my ear canal in that process. And, the creature never got out. So all the angels did their thing and took its soul to “creature heaven” while I was there bawling and screaming and eventually trying to calm down.

We wound up going to the hospital at the university I was a student at. We did so because the hospital with Dr. Buffoon could no longer help us. They didn’t have the tools to further try to help me.

Side bar: *rolls eyes*. They tell me this after they kill the creature and mess up mi ear canal.

I had some amount of coverage there. It’s also a public hospital. But I felt better there. Maybe because it was somewhat on familiar territory.

In no time, I was seen by a doctor. She took my vitals (which was NOT done at any time at the other hospital). Turns out that my blood pressure, which was high when the creature landed in my ear canal, had sky rocketed after the procedure led by Dr. Buffoon. If it wasn’t for my easily accessible place of zen, who knows what would’ve happened to me with that bp reading.

They looked into my ear and said they saw nothing but that I’d have to go see an ENT just to make sure. Went to that department and waited for God to come back for his world before an ENT showed up. My ear canal was still bleeding. ENT came after God did and said that my ear drum was perforated, ear canal was cut.

But let’s call the After God ENT, ‘Dr. Buffoon II’.

My ear drum was perforated, but she didn’t see the creature’s bum staring her in the face after I told her that it didn’t come out after the first procedure and after my ear was flushed.

It took FOUR!! ENT clinic visits later for them to see I was right and that they were all stupid.

I got plenty drugs, plenty hugs and my ear was just so traumatized.

A whole lot more happened but I don’t think I’ve forgiven your ‘Dr. Buffoon’, your ‘After God ENT, Dr. Buffoon II’ and plenty others who contributed to my torment for that event in my life.

So that’s all you get in this letter.

If we had just used one of our how many bottles of olive oil to slick the creature out, everything would’ve been fine.

When I sleep now, I cover as many orifices as I possibly can. But, worse and more permanent things could’ve happened to my ear and so, I’m thankful. My ear took forever to heal, but it did. I only get flashbacks, sometimes my ear feels weird, and I’m highly aware of what goes near my ear.

I still hate you.

Signed with love,
Candice K.