Dear World,

Can we talk?

disclaimer: There’s a chance that I’ve written about this before now. So, don’t be surprised if it sounds slightly familiar.

If you’re the friend or loved one who often makes the first step towards being the bigger person to quell an issue, or to check in, or to check up on people you know are having a difficult time, it probably feels like no one, or hardly anyone reciprocates the action. Am I describing you in even the most remote way? If your answer to that is “yes”, how do you help yourself through your own difficult life moments? I ask because I also say yes in response. My explanation? It’s beyond difficult, energy depleting, and just might be classified as a misuse of my time.

I am well aware that this is subjectively relative because my view is probably skewed, and others may think that I’m the opposite of what I described.

Regardless, I really want to know. How do you help yourself through?

In my case, I’d hazard up a guess to say that 80-90% of the folks I show up for, don’t show up for me anywhere near how I do for them. You get what I mean?

This isn’t even about watching reciprocity or the lack thereof. It really is just noticing that it doesn’t matter who you show up for, how often you show up for them, or in what ways you do so. You’re probably gonna be an afterthought for the estimated percentage of people I previously mentioned.

To add insult to injury, there will come a time when you choose to pull back on ‘showing up’, and then you’ll eventually hear that you’re the one who hasn’t showed up. Then you’ll look internally and probably start to fume because what the absolute kcuf are you talking about?! Like, are we in an alternate dimension? Did I not do this, or that, or go out of my way for this and that? Get me out of this mirage and matrix because ‘the math aint mathing.’

Full disclosure: in my own case, this issue is technically half my fault because, as an expressive person, I tend to make light of many situations. So, a rough patch of any experience might come off less negatively impactful than it is.

Needless to say, the people on the other end of my showing up are probably thinking the same thing. Perhaps they showed up for me that one time and that’s the heaviest, most meaningful demonstration of being there for me and others when they need someone who just isn’t there.

But, with all these goings on about who did this, that, or who didn’t, I have learned and relearned a few lessons. Afterall, this wouldn’t be a Suburban Girl JA® letter without some lessons.

Lessons in Reciprocity and Expectations

• Sometimes we just have to get over ourselves. We go through high and low tides, and other people go through similar or worse situations. Yes, that doesn’t negate from the fact that people can be shit friends and loved ones and we should never explain away poor behaviour. However, the benefit of the doubt often goes a long way.

• Creating a counter of who did what and when is exhausting. That’s not how healthy relationships work. Just act and ensure the people in your life know and understand the expectations. It doesn’t mean that the other party or parties will meet those standards all the time. We are human and to err is human. The point is let it be known and grant space for grace while leaving room for fruitful discussions.

• Don’t be consistently a shit friend or loved one and expect your people to overlook that behaviour. You have to meet your expectations and your people part of the way. The percentage or ratio of what that looks like will differ depending on what you have to give in the moment that you currently exist.

• If you notice a shift in an undesirable direction, SAY SOMETHING to the person emitting that energy. They, for whatever reason, may not notice. They also CANNOT READ YOUR MIND.

• Know when to call it quits. Not every relationship is salvageable. Some will end and some just won’t be what it used to be. That’s the natural progression of life and friendship breakups or adjustments aren’t always a bad thing. I’d suggest that you not end it cold turkey. Make room for that conversation. If you all love each other the way you used to profess in real life and the digital space, talk to them first.

I don’t know…am I talking or am I spewing gibberish? Sound off.

Signed,

The Suburban Girl JA®