Editor’s Note

Our latest Suburban Guest, Toni-Ann Rodney-Samuels, is no stranger to The Suburbs. In fact, she has known our creator for about 17 years. They bonded over the arts and have been connected ever since from sorority sisters to lifelong friends. For the most part, Toni has been a quiet and private individual. So, a few years ago, with the birth of her son, we were pleasantly surprised when she ventured into blogging and content creation through a space she curated—A Newborn Mom. There, she shared the journey, growing pains, and beauty that comes with being a newborn mother to her beautiful baby boy. Though she (hopefully temporarily) closed The Newborn Mom, Toni continues to do what she did there. Naturally, it has evolved as the years have passed along with the growth of her son and her as a mother. That said, we were thrilled when she agreed to come back as a guest to Suburbia. Yes, she once contributed a piece about her first heartbreak as a new mom.

We’re grateful to Toni for coming out of writing hiatus (even for a brief moment) to contribute more to The Suburban Girl JA’s space.

Though the messages written, edited, and shared by Suburban Guests may resonate with The Suburban Girl JA®, they are not our own and they do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and ideals we value.

Signed,

The Suburban Girl JA®

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Let’s Talk About Terrible Twos

They say beware the “Terrible Twos”. I say differently.

Tantrums start before your child is two years old and I believe it continues for the rest of their natural born life. Come on, even full-grown adults have tantrums, right? The only difference between a toddler and an adult is emotional intelligence. As adults, we should be able to identify our triggers and control our outbursts. Our toddlers…. not so much.

Boss Baby

My son is a boss! Always have been and he’ll probably always be a boss. Like other kids, he expresses himself freely and frequently and it’s often through temper tantrums.  It is an expected behaviour but also can be a trigger for anger in parents. 

I recall one frustration-filled day where I worked from home, had my son, and my cup was overflowing. As the frustration increased, his tantrum skyrocketed. This was a repeated offence. One day, I decided to remain calm and put up an act to secure the peace. It made a difference. A small one, but I ran with it. Slowly but surely, after employing that practice over the next few days, there was delightful and slightly bigger reduction in his tantrums.

I am not saying that I did not fall off the wagon every now and then. I just made sure to climb right back on the wagon of “calmness”, or should I say “pretence”. I should have gotten an Oscar, to be honest. I’m a good actress.

Managing the Boss through the drama

Moving along. I noticed that the quieter I was, the quieter he became. I also tried to give him time to temper his anger before addressing whatever he was upset about.

For instance, if it’s time to eat dinner and he doesn’t want to eat, mentioning “eat” or “dinner” my son – aka Bruce Banner became the Hulk. I will never understand why kids hate eating a proper meal. All they want is a snack and a juice. It is not like they are superman, and it is kryptonite. Mercy! 

Anyway, I’d give my son time to calm down by saying, “take a minute”. After getting more settled, I’d give him his dinner. Following that, he stared at the plated meal for a few minutes like it was his long-time rival. He then sighed and took a taste. A few moments later his eyes met mine, and a “hmmmmm, yummy” escaped from his mouth. Kids! 

Challenges & Lessons

I encountered a few challenges and learned some lessons entering the “tantrum era”. Here they are:

#1

My first challenge was managing my emotions in the middle of my son expressing his.

You cannot help your child dial down their tantrum while you are throwing your own. My child’s tantrum was a trigger for me and I realised it was a norm. To be honest, it probably would be odd if my child’s outbursts did not bring out an emotional response. Parenting is hard and half the time it is emotionally taxing.

The corresponding lesson started off with acceptance — accepting that my son’s outbursts triggered feelings of anger and sadness. I had to address my responses – how I did it and when I did it. I also have to remind myself not to let the outside world affect how I handle my child’s tantrums. It does not matter if I am having financial problems, a disagreement with my spouse, or that I’m lacking sleep and rest. I could not let these factors affect how I dealt with my son’s outburst. It’s not an easy lesson to learn. Modelling emotional intelligence helps my child to practice same.

Parents are the role models after all. Our children learn from us; how to deal with anger, failures, and the dissatisfaction that comes with not getting what you want. I also realised that sometimes, these outbursts are a crave for comfort or a mask for the fear of change. Surely, we can understand that.

Who doesn’t need comfort? Who doesn’t fear change, or wish that they could rewind the hands of time and go back to being babies who have not a care in the world? If we think about it, parents can sympathise with these outbursts or ‘tantrums’.

#2

My second challenge was with communication and patience.

When the tantrums started, I would do these stern, long-winded, reprimanding talks with my son. I’d tell him how wrong his behaviour was and how upset he made me. I paid little attention to the fact that he was not able to fully comprehend half of what I was saying. At first, I was not allowing him to practice verbalising his emotions. Adding to that, I had little to no patience when trying to address his outbursts in a mother-son conversation.

Reasoning with a toddler or young child is not an easy conversation, and I swear that I did not know patience until after I had my son.

The corresponding lesson was about the importance of pushing the topic of communication with my son.

I encourage him to say when something is wrong; whether he’s sad or angry, rather than resort to screaming and crying. I went down to his eye level, used less words and a calmer tone. This way, he saw that I would much rather have a conversation than a yelling match. Then, patience came in play because repetition is needed for a lesson to stick. I also have to continuously remind myself to be the calm one. I sometimes fail, but you “get back on the wagon”.

I have to continuously remind myself that my son is still learning how to feel without letting his emotions overpower him and that it’s more effective to express himself with words rather than an emotional outburst. I also remind him that he is loved and that if he wants mommy’s attention, all he has to do is say so. 

It brings a smile to my face when he uses his words to share what’s wrong, or when he says, “mommy I need a minute, please”. It makes me see that I am making progress.

Concluding Thoughts

Temper tantrums are not easy to manage and are emotionally taxing on parents. It takes communication, patience, modelling good reactions, and lots of calmness (pretend or not). Yes, our children will always test us, and we cannot fail them. Tantrums are not limited to an age group.

We have to manage our emotions and not let our children be victims of the baggage life throws at us.

This is an ongoing dilemma in every parent’s life. It starts before your child becomes two years of age and continues afterwards. I cannot even imagine what the teenage years will bring me. Lol! 😩😅. To be honest, it doesn’t matter.

Parenting is hard, but being a mother is the one thing in my life that I would never regret. 

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Toni lives her life away from social media, so you aren’t able to contact her directly. However, if you wish to share thoughts with her based on this guest post, feel free to share them in the comments. She will see them. You may also send messages to thesuburbangirlja@gmail.com and your message will be conveyed to Toni.