Dear World,

Ironically, I need a break from needing a break. It feels like I’m on a perpetual ‘pause and WAIT’ cycle. I need a break from waiting. I want to be on the move and feel like I’m actually going places.

Without saying too much:

Can I have an extended period where I can breathe easily and not worry about what the next day will bring? Yes, in the last three months, I’ve experienced wonderful encounters and opportunities. However, those were like band-aids, brief respites from a long period of infinitely low lows.

Is it possible to hear a consistent chorus of yeses and affirmations? I’m tired of being intermittently chosen, where my efforts to maintain the choice (me) through the follow-up fall flat. Or is this my life now—forever stagnation, wallowing, turn-downs, and being left behind with very few people showing up for you as you would for them. I feel like a fisherman who needs to go out to sea to feed his family but can’t because a Category 5 hurricane is causing mayhem. I feel stuck, and I want to get unstuck.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or diminish the value of the miniature breaks—they were welcomed, savoured, and deserved. I know that gratitude is imperative. I just need more. I need more and I need it consistently. Ultimately, I know that the trajectory of my life is already written in the stars, and all I need to do now is what I’m doing. However, I can’t help but actively think that this is what it’s going to be — a forever waiting game. It’s depressing.

That said, I understand that it won’t rain forever. The sun will shine again, and even while it rains, rainbows will present themselves to illustrate that amazing things are happening amidst the storm. I also can’t forget that at the edge of storm clouds, you’ll find silver linings. I’m holding on to them.

Though this is stressful, I have to share this quote I recently saw about fishermen, often credited to Nabil Sabio Azadi. Similar sentiments have been shared across other spaces – culturally and religiously:

“When fishermen cannot go to sea, they mend their nets.”

This is more than a test of patience, I feel. It’s a test of faith and trust. It’s an opportunity for me to continue to ‘mend my tent’ and prepare for the ideal conditions to come.

So, that’s what i’ll continue to do.

Signed,

The Suburban Girl JA®