Dear World,

• Stares can influence the direction of your interaction on the proverbial situational staircase

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been uncomfortable when I spot people staring at me.

My mind runs wild, and my heart rate increases as I get nervous and curious about why I intentionally or unintentionally bring attention to myself. In some situations, I even think the worst. Maybe the staring people have an ulterior motive or maybe I’ve offended them or maybe, just maybe, they have thoughts to hurt me.

I know. Those who don’t know me will probably wonder, “what a wild imagination to think those thoughts when people stare”.

Truth be told, when people stare, you’re on the receiving end. So, there’s no way to truly know what they think unless they actually say something to you or make some kind of communicative gesture that you understand. We also live in a dangerous world — a stare might very well be the beginning of a plot to harm you.

It’s interesting that my first thoughts are that people want to harm me when they stare. My goodness! The trauma existing in this world is no joke! One of my fears in life is that my unique traits may one day be the characteristics that trigger someone to inflict harm on me. It’s a sad reality.

In the last quarter of 2024, however, I was reminded on many occasions that though we live in a dangerous world, there are good people abound, and a stare might be an indication of curiosity with no ill-intentioned motives behind it.

I travelled quite a bit in the latter part of 2024 and on my journeys, it was brought to my attention that many eyes were fixated on me at various points. It appeared that these stares weren’t all blank stares — you know, the ones where you’re lost in deep thought and just so happen to look like you’re staring.

But guess what? I was in environments that were new to me. I was a foreigner. As such, local folks noticed a stranger and maybe had curious thoughts. I even found myself staring back at people. My intentions were not harmful. I only thought about what their stories might be. So, why couldn’t it have been to same for those looking at me?

I even learned that people were indeed curious about me. A few approached me — this Black girl with locs. I was told that my physical make-up was not the typical type of person they’d seen or interacted with. Add to that, my accent was clearly far off from their own. I gained two temporarily adopted South-Asian grandfathers this way. Our relationship began with them staring at me without any care that I spotted them looking. It then grew into us looking out for each other during our transit. In another setting, I took photos of Mount Everest from my window seat and the young lady beside me offered to take a photo of my silhouette with Everest in the background. We struck up a conversation and it was nice. I also met a South-Asian guy while waiting on a flight and we chatted like we were friends. It was nice. He asked about Jamaica and asked if I liked cricket or if I knew Usain Bolt haha! In both instances, they moved from staring to actually saying something. They were fascinated and I didn’t feel alone or scared!

In retrospect, I met many people and formed good solid positive bonds with them. Eight out of ten times, those started with a stare.

To know Caribbean people is to know that we were brought up to mind our business. So, when we’re in foreign places, we mind our business. Of course, there’s always an exception to the rule. However, that’s the standard.

Anyway — knowing I was the subject of curious eyes put me in automatic “mind yuh business, sis” mode. In Jamaica, if we spot someone staring, the general response is, ‘a wah?! Wah yah stare pon mi fah?’* – what is it? why are you staring on me?

In some cases, I was asked to “say something in Jamaican or patwa/patois”. My initial response was visible annoyance as I don’t identify as a token Black or Jamaican person. So, I’m not gonna jump and perform when asked. In other instances, I responded with something to the effect of, “Though I speak Standard English, patwa comes in every now and then — naturally. Engage with me in real conversation and you may hear it.” otherwise, leave me alone.”

Sadly, though many of my encounters were based in curiosity, some of them were based in fetishisation. The passing remarks and hand gestures that were thrown my way really gave my Caribbean island-life mindset some unspeakable shocks. I know pervs exist everywhere, I just never imagined I’d see them as audaciously as I did. Shame on me though. I know that if there’s one thing that some men will do it’s that they’ll find the audacity.

I say all that to say these things:

• You think people are staring at you when it’s actually you who is staring at them
• Maybe you’re both staring at each other
• Though you should definitely go through life with caution, not everyone is out to harm you. This one may be difficult to accept if you’re used to people having ulterior motives to harm
• Sometimes, being stared at just means that people are curious about you
• When you look into the eyes of a staring person, you can sometimes see into their soul and determine, just by discernment, if they are good people
• You’re not always bringing attention to yourself
• Stares can influence the direction of your interaction on the proverbial situational staircase

How do you respond to being stared at?

Signed,

The Suburban Girl JA®

*I don’t know the phonetic structure of the Cassidy-JLU Writing System, which is a standardised orthography for writing Jamaican. So, I write is as loosely translated by me.